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misses
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2012 was a very difficult year for me. At least, from the middle 'till the end of 2013, which was on the 3rd semester of college. I went through a lot. I never told this to anyone. Not even the person who are close to me. Not my mom, not my dad or even Yuyu. No one. The only ones that witnessed it was my two other ex-roommates, Neem and Ecah. Yuyu, kalau kau baca ni, aku nak mintak maaf sangat. Kalau kau dah baca ni and kau still nak jadi kawan aku, aku ucapkan terima kasih sangat2. Aku mintak maaf sebab simpan perkara ni dari kau. I keep everything hidden because I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed of what happened. After a week of holidays for Raya, I think, my ex-roommate Kak Ikin started treating me differently. For three whole days, I let it slide but on the third night, I gather all my courage and confronted her. I asked her, why is she treating differently? Did I do something wrong? Did I make her angry without me knowing it? I told her, I once went through the same thing in high school. My so-called best friends pushed me away because they don't want me to know that they were dating each other. I told Kak Ikin, I know what it's like so I don't want to go through it all again. Kak Ikin then asked me if I know anything about money going missing. From that point onwards, she implied that I'm the one at fault. She thinks I'm the one to blame because her sister can see things. See people's past. Yes, I do admit. I was once a stealer. I stole my mom's money. I knew what I did was wrong but that was in the past. I learned from my mistakes and moved on. But somehow, it's not enough to convince people that you've changed. From that moment on, I was quiet. So quiet and less talkative that my roommate, Neem urged me a few times to be more cheerful like I used to be. I tried to be but deep down it still hurts. It fucking hurts. I might have forgiven Kak Ikin already or there's nothing to forgive about, I don't know. Then, there's the case of a guy classmate mocking me on twitter and mentioning my last name "anak Amin." Meaning Amin's daughter. I was mad at him but I know it was hurtful too. I just couldn't bear it. Everything just fucking hurts and it was too much for me. Then, EXO came in. EXO had actually made way to my heart way before. But suddenly I found out that EXO-M was going to perform for the 2012 Asia Super Showcase. At first, I wasn't interested but somehow EXO-M took my mind off things. Things that hurt me. I told myself I should study hard. I shall get good grades so my dad can give me congratulatory money. It's my dad's promise that if I were to get an A, he'll give me money. So I study hard with the motivation that I'll be seeing EXO if I succeed. I got through the exam and did okay. I got 4As. I went back home and I counted the days till I get to see EXO-M. My mom gave me the green light. But she changed her mind later. My dad wasn't happy about it too. But I bought the ticket anyway. I went to Rock Corner in KLCC and bought it. Before I went there, I was bawling my eyes out because my parents wouldn't let me go. I've worked so hard for it but they just couldn't see or understand that. But I decided against it, against them. I told myself, fuck everything. After all the bullshit that I went through, I deserve this. So I went to KLCC alone. I told my parents I went with Rachel but I lied. Then, the rest is history. I know it might seems pathetic because EXO-M will never notice me. But they are the reason why I'm strong enough to overcome the hardships that was thrown at me, They motivate me and of course, Allah S.W.T made it happen. Maybe Allah made it happen because He knows what is true and He knows that I want to be happy. Anyone deserves a little sunlight after the rain, right? EXO and I, we're a lot alike in many ways, We both were tested by the people around us, but we keep on going and improving to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Because of EXO, I want to be better, just like them, Not to prove to anyone but to myself that life is a path full of efforts. Thank you, EXO and God, for being there for me. I don't think I'm even exaggerating when I say EXO pretty much saved my life. Thank you and I'll always keep on loving you. XOXO, Atiqah Labels: confession, EXO |